


The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness

by SpirkTrekker42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-06-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 05:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/807888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our heroes (and villains) are forced to watch Star Trek Into Darkness and comment on it.  This is a humor/parody fic of the new Star Trek movie.  The whole thing is a HUGE SPOILER.  Follows the same template as my first fic when they watch the 2009 movie.  I mention Spock/Uhura cause that is the ship in the movie, but I of course allude to K/S and a bunch of other ships too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pike Goes To Greener Pastures

**Author's Note:**

  * For [all the new Star Trek fans!](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=all+the+new+Star+Trek+fans%21).



Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.

A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. **Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers.** Also, no, my memory is not that good. The second time I saw the movie I took seven pages of notes. In the dark. With an orange marker.

**I am putting the actual movie in italics and the comments in regular type so you guys can understand the story better.**

Thanks to my sister for betaing.

Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.

.~.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness_

Chapter One: Pike Goes To Greener Pastures

_.~._

_Poof!_ All of the sudden, the entire cast from _Star Trek Into Darkness_ found themselves stranded in a deserted warehouse on Kronos, homeworld of the Klingons. They plunked down on a large sofa in front of a massive plasma screen TV.

"Not again," Kirk groaned.

"Captain, I believe we have been held hostage against our will by an unknown force," said Spock. "It would be only logical if we all watched the movie. Last time this happened, as soon as the movie was over, we were free to go."

"That sounds good to me," said John Harrison. "You know, I am the _best_ thing about the movie."

"Why would you say that?" Dr. McCoy asked, even though he already knew.

"Because I am better than all of you guys," Harrison said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm better than Uhura at languages. I'm better than Spock at science. I'm better than Sulu at driving… err piloting. I'm better than Chekov at being Russian. Best of all, I'm better than Kirk in bed."

"Hey!" Kirk protested, because he had a fake reputation to protect. "You don't know that. You don't know my life!"

"Perhaps I should test that theory on Mr. Spock," John Harrison said smugly, carefully watching Kirk for his reaction.

"Don't talk about my first officer that way!" Kirk pouted, glaring at Harrison. "Besides, he would never cheat on Uhura."

"Then maybe I should test my theory on you?" Harrison offered.

" _Me_?" Kirk squeaked. "You don't even know if I'm into guys."

Harrison just rolled his eyes. "Now you are insulting my intelligence."

"Excuse me!" Carol Marcus asked, interrupting their little love fest. "How does this work, exactly? I wasn't here the last time this happened."

"We just have to watch the movie and comment on it as we see fit," Uhura explained, motioning towards the screen. "Look! It's starting. Everybody shut up."

Everybody took the hint and turned their attentions to the movie. And when I mean everybody, I mean Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, Keenser, Sulu, Chekov, Admiral Pike, Admiral Marcus, Carol Marcus, Cupcake, Spock Prime, a bunch of random nameless male Klingons, and last but certainly not least, Khan - err John Harrison. They barely all fit on the super large couch. McCoy was stuck next to the Klingons, who were giving off a very strange smell. He hoped to God it wasn't pheromones. It had been tough enough when Jim had been banging that Orion chick before the Battle of Vulcan, who used to come around shared their dorm room.

_The Paramount logo flashed across the screen, followed by the Bad Robot logo. The movie opened with Kirk and Bones being chased by the indigenous people of Nibiru, a class-M planet. The year was 2259._

" _I hate this!" McCoy shouted on the screen as he booked it outta there._

" _I know you do!" Kirk answered before they jumped off the cliff and landed safely in the water, only to swim underwater into an open porthole on the Enterprise, which was resting comfortably in the ocean. Kirk and Bones really rocked the wetsuits, which were really tight fitting._

_Everyone watched the events that led to Spock's rescue from the volcano via the Enterprise and the subsequent breaking of the Prime Directive, which apparently was a big no-no._

Spock tried to inch closer to Uhura on the couch in an attempt to comfort her but she glared daggers at him so he stopped.

"Are you guys having trouble with your relationship?" Kirk asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Of course not," said Uhura, in a tone that meant the opposite of what she said.

"Unclear," said Spock.

"Shame, shame, shame, Jim," said Captain Pike, shaking his finger at Kirk. "That was such a poor command decision. Why, if I'd been in command…" He rattled off a long-winded plan that no one paid attention to, except for possibly his mentor, Admiral Marcus.

"Oh My Surak, you made me lose my command, Pike!" Kirk sniffed as they watched that scene play out. "You too, Spock – you filed that stupid report without telling me. I guess I should never trust a Vulcan unless he is Spock Prime." His eyes began to water. "Can someone give me a tissue?"

"Here you go, Keptin," Chekov said happily. "You are such a sensitive, mature person. It is wery attractive. Objectively, of course."

"Thanks," said Kirk, blowing his nose loudly. "Trust me; this will only get worse when Pike dies."

"Here, have the whole box," Sulu offered. "I'm too bad ass to cry."

"It's true," Chekov agreed. "He is."

"Pike _dies_?!" Khan cried, gasping in horror. "I-I didn't know. That is so SAD!"

"What do you mean you didn't know, fool?" Admiral Marcus accused. "You killed him when you fired on us high ranking officials with your stupid shuttle. Also, you killed a bunch of people in London because I know you were behind the terrorist attack."

"I didn't _mean_ to kill anyone," Khan blubbered. "It just happened. I wanted to save my seventy-two sleeping crew members. Desperate times call for desperate measures! I did it for the greater good of humanity."

"Do not listen to him," Spock Prime piped up. "He will only manipulate you and stab you in the back. And try to take over your ship. Trust me, I know."

"Shhhh!" said Khan. "You can't tell them about your timeline, remember? It's against the Very Important Temporal Police Rules."

"That sounds like B.S. to me," said Kirk.

"Really, genius?" Uhura said sarcastically. "Because Khan _never_ bullshits people. Can we _please_ get back to the movie?"

"I'm sorry, Nyota," Khan apologized. "We'll stop talking so you can hear."

"It's okay, Khan." She gave him a quick hug and he felt a little better about inadvertently killing Pike.

_They all watched as Lucille Harewood's dad made a deal with Khan. He gave his special blood to Mr. Harewood, who used it to heal his daughter and pull her out of a coma. Then he reported to the Kelvin Memorial Archive, aka a secret department of Starfleet called Section 31. They didn't have to follow hardly any rules because they were gathering all sorts of intelligence about the Klingons and other races that were possible threats to the Federation. Mr. Harewood kept up his end of the deal and set off a bomb that blew up the archive and wreaked havoc on the citizens of London._

_Then Starfleet called a meeting between all the high ranking officials. Khan showed up in a shuttle outside the window and wounded a bunch of VIPs with his phaser cannons before Kirk took his ship out with some really quick thinking. Khan wasn't hurt though because he beamed outta there. Spock melded with Pike during his last minute in the land of the living. Pike looked really scared, which was understandable given the circumstances. Suddenly, Pike breathed no more._

"Does anyone want to say anything?" Kirk asked as they watched him cry over Pike's body onscreen. "About how Pike was a fine officer and shit like that?"

Chekov did. He said a really long prayer – the only problem was that it was in Russian so no one could understand him, except Uhura. Because she knew Russian. Apparently. Either that or she had a hidden universal translator.

"We'll miss you, Admiral Pike," Kirk said, his voice wavering a bit. "You were like a second father to me and you were an amazing captain. May you rest in peace."

"You were a good man," Bones added. "Anyone else?" No one else said anything. "Well, folks, he's gone to greener pastures."

"You mean he is deceased," said Spock, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't say it like that!" Khan protested. "Gone to greener pastures sounds nicer."

"I do not believe that we go to 'greener pastures' when we die," said Spock. "That is the most illogical thing I have ever heard!"

"But that's what my genetic superhuman religion says!" Khan blubbered. "When I die, I wanna frolic in the fields and stuff."

"Are you sure you _will_ die?" said Bones. "I thought your blood makes you immortal."

"Noooooooo! I'll be alone forever!" Khan sobbed. "That is the _worst_! God, my life sucks. The last person I was into broke up with me because I kept quoting Sherlock Holmes in bed. I'll never find someone who accepts me for who I am inside!"

"Khannie wannie can't find anyone who will date him," Sulu sniggered to Chekov, who giggled.

"Wait a second - I have a great idea! Khan, you should date Kirk!" Carol suggested. "You guys are both single and that would be really hot."

"Yes! I was thinking the same thing!" Uhura gave her a high five.

Spock's eyes widened. The two women had just Vulcan kissed directly in front of him. Kirk caught his eye and waggled his eyebrows because he was _smart_ and he knew what a Vulcan kiss looked like. Spock just looked away, blushing green.

Everyone was still waiting for Kirk to answer.

"I'm _not_ dating Khan," Kirk said firmly. "He's 300 years old! I'm into a lot of kinky stuff, but that is a little much, even for me. And also, the Sherlock thing is a little weird. I don't think we'd be very compatible."

"I quote Sherlock Holmes on occasion," said Spock with teeny frown.

"And I love that about you, Spock," Kirk said quickly. "You do it so well!"

"Hey! But you just said…" Khan protested.

Spock Prime nerve pinched Khan, who passed out cold.

"Thanks," said Kirk, relieved. "He was starting to annoy me."

"You are most welcome, Jim," said Spock Prime, his ancient eyes twinkling with mirth.

Young Spock's eyebrows twitched at that exchange. He wasn't jealous or anything, he just thought it was rather forward of Ambassador Spock to call his captain by his first name.

_Luckily everyone's attention was diverted by the movie when Kirk asked Admiral Marcus if he and Spock could go after Khan._

End Chapter 1

.~.

TBC!

A/N: Questions, comments, concerns? Let me know! I just HAD to reference Sherlock. Hehe!


	2. Operation - Kill Harrison

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.

A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. **Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers.**

 **I am putting the actual movie in italics and the comments in regular type so you guys can understand the story better.** Someone asked me to put more K/S in there so I did. Enjoy the second chapter.

.~.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness_

Chapter Two: Operation - Kill Harrison

_.~._

"Wait a second," Khan commanded. "Go back. People were talking when Kirk and Spock were called into a meeting with Captain Pike. I wasn't there for that part and I wish to see it."

"Fine," said Kirk. "But I'm only doing this because you have a sexy voice."

_Kirk skipped back so they could watch the scene where Kirk got chewed out by Pike. Then it cut to Kirk getting super drunk in an out-of-the-way bar._

"After you heard the news about losing the _Enterprise_ you went and imbibed an excess of alcohol?" Spock's voice was practically dripping with disapproval as the bar scene played out. "Why?"

"Because my First Officer stabbed me in the back and as a result I fucking lost my ship!" Kirk defended himself. "Getting drunk off my ass so I wouldn't feel anymore was the only logical option."

"Jim, I _am_ sorry," Spock said softly. "Had I anticipated your reaction I might not have sent that incriminating report to Starfleet."

" _Might not have_? Oh geez." Kirk sighed and rolled his eyes.

"You guys shh!" said Sulu. "This is a good scene between Kirk and Pike. It really shows how much Kirk depends on Pike for acceptance, and the emotional pay off comes later during Pike's death scene."

"Wahhhhh!" cried Kirk, who leaned over into Spock for comfort. Spock awkwardly patted his shoulder and Kirk sat back up again.

 _They all watched as Pike told Jim about his new orders. He was to serve on the Enterprise as First Officer under Pike's command. Spock would be transferred to serve as First Officer on the_ USS Bradbury _._

_The movie played on. "It's gonna be alright, son," Pike said comfortingly to a very grateful Kirk._

"Man, I am such a good father figure for Kirk," Pike commented as he watched himself. "It's a shame I had to get killed off so early in the movie."

Bones suddenly gave Kirk a hypo to calm him down before Kirk could have another crying spell over Pike's death. The hypo had a strange side effect - it made Kirk grin dreamily at Spock. Or maybe it wasn't the hypo at all… the doctor couldn't be sure.

"What did you do to him?" Uhura asked.

"I had to shut him up!" Bones explained. "His crying isn't good for his captainly image. Plus he was starting to annoy me."

"I don't think what you did is an improvement," Khan cautioned as they all watched Kirk pet Spock's perfectly arranged bangs. Spock batted his hands away.

Bones grabbed Kirk and separated him from Spock. He put Kirk between himself and the Klingons _. Let Kirk deal with them_ , he thought.

"Kapla," said Kirk, because that was the only Klingon word he knew. He thought it meant 'hello' but he couldn't be sure. The Klingons just ignored him and kept to themselves.

_Meanwhile, in the movie, the scene changed to the meeting of the Starfleet high ranking officials. Kirk, Spock, Pike, and Admiral Marcus were among those present._

"Hi, Dad!" Carol waved happily at the screen.

"What the hell? Why are you so cheerful?" Kirk asked, indignant. "He betrayed Starfleet and tried to kill us all!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I was thinking about who would be the hottest to go to bed with – you, McCoy, or Khan. Hypothetically, of course. I'm not that easy."

"That's a no brainer!" said Kirk, raising his voice. "Me!"

"I don't know – Khan has got to be the best. He said he was better at everything. I think I'll go with him," Carol decided.

Kirk and Bones were not amused.

"What is this, do, date, or marry?" Bones complained.

Khan, on the other hand, stood up and did a victory danced which reminded everyone of the antiquated Harlem Shake.

"Why would you choose him?" Kirk cried. "He's a 300 year old popsicle! He probably forgot how to please women."

"I did not!" Khan protested. "All of my knowledge is still intact."

"Hey guys, as interesting as this debate is, this is an important part!" Uhura called their attention back to the screen.

_Apparently, forty-two people had been killed in the terrorist attack at the Kelvin Archives Library. Kirk was looking at his PADD when he zoomed on the picture of the suspect, one John Harrison. He had a bad feeling about this…_

" _Clear the room!" Kirk shouted._

_But it was too late – Khan was already shooting at them from his shuttle, which was hovering outside._

"Look, Spock, I am so bad ass here!" Kirk bragged.

Spock secretly agreed. He enjoyed watching Kirk in action very much.

_They all watched as Kirk mastered his fear, grabbed someone's discarded gun, and shot at Khan. Kirk then proceeded to access a conveniently placed wall terminal where he pulled out a long cable (or maybe a fire hose, it was hard to tell). Then, the brave captain threw the device in the shuttle's general direction. He got lucky, as it took out one of Khan's engines. Khan's ship crashed to the ground but not before he was safely beamed out._

"Khan, I can't believe you transported directly to Kronos!" Scotty exclaimed. "That planet is super far away from Earth."

"You're right," said Khan. "Just chalk it up to movie magic because 23rd century science sure the hell can't explain it."

"Oh alright," said Scotty, sounding dejected. "But I'm still pissed that they invented a portable transwarp device. WTF does that even mean?"

"Nobody knows vhat it means!" Chekov insisted. "But I do know it was inwented in- "

"RUSSIA!" Everyone chorused.

"Exactly," said Chekov, happy that people had finally caught on.

_Everyone's attention was called back to the screen as Spock melded with Pike right before he died. It was very sad. Kirk cried in a very manly fashion over his mentor's dead body. Then he placed a hand on Spock's shoulder and left the room._

"Okay, Admiral Marcus, what is _up_ with Section 31?" Kirk rounded on the unsuspecting man.

"It's classified," said Marcus.

"Why is the Kelvin Memorial Library a front for this special branch of Starfleet?" Spock pressed.

"It's classified," Marcus said again. His expression did not change.

"Why are you such a power-hungry warmonger?" Kirk wondered.

"It's classi… wait a second." The admiral glared at Kirk, who gave him his infamous 'who me' look.

"Look. Why don't you just tell us everything?" Kirk asked. "You might feel better if you get it off your chest."

"You want the truth?" Marcus growled.

"Yes!" Kirk and Spock exclaimed.

"You can't handle the truth!"

Kirk and Spock exchanged a look and left Admiral Marcus alone. Short of torture, they weren't going to get him to reveal anything.

_Then the scene changed. Kirk asked Marcus if he could go after John Harrison and get his ship back. Marcus said he could. Then he asked if Spock could be reinstated as his First Officer. Thankfully, Marcus agreed._

" _You're not actually going after this guy, are you?" McCoy asked as he waved a medical scanner in Kirk's face._

 _Kirk answered in the affirmative. McCoy, Kirk, and Spock all boarded the shuttle to the_ Enterprise _. They were joined by Carol Marcus, who used her mom's maiden name of Wallace to escape detection. Kirk was very pleased to see the hot blonde. He didn't question her reason for being there at all, much to Spock's disapproval. Once they arrived, Kirk then headed to engineering to check in with Scotty._

"I can't believe I fell for that torpedo crap," Kirk groaned as they watched personnel load one of the seventy-two torpedoes on to the _Enterprise_.

" _Jim, I thought we were explorers," said a very worried Scotty. He refused to sign off on the order._

"I _knew_ there was something fishy going on," Scotty cried as he and Kirk got into a power struggle on screen. "But nooooo. You didn't want to listen."

_Scotty was promptly fired as Kirk's temper flared._

"It wasn't my brightest moment," Kirk admitted.

"I too tried to warn you that something was not right," said Spock with a bit of a pout. "But you were too busy flirting with Carol to notice."

"I was still in shock from Pike's death," Kirk defended himself. "Besides, I _liked_ the distraction. At least Carol didn't question every single one of my executive decisions, unlike _somebody_."

"Trouble in paradise?" Khan suggested.

That earned him a glare from both Kirk and Spock.

"Spock has a girlfriend!" Kirk reminded him. "I would _never_ do anything to sabotage their relationship. I think."

"I was kidding!" said Khan. Then he lowered his voice. "But, Captain, I see I have stumbled upon your secret desire for Spock. Please, do tell me more! I always loved a story about epic star-crossed lovers."

"Then you should watch _Star Trek III:_ _The Search For Spock_ ," Ambassador Spock offered.

"What a fabulous idea!" Khan enthused. "I totally will right after I take over the universe." Then he returned his attention to the screen.

_The movie showed Kirk and Uhura in the turbolift commiserating over Spock and his overwhelming Vulcan personality._

" _Sometimes I want to rip his bangs out!" Kirk exclaimed. "Maybe it's me."_

" _It isn't you," said Uhura._

" _Wait a minute," said Kirk. "Are you guys fighting?" He tried not to sound too hopeful. "What's that even like?"_

_Uhura didn't answer, which was an answer. The turbolift opened on the bridge, effectively cutting off any further conversation between them._

" _Ears burning?" Kirk asked as he brushed past his Vulcan officer._

"That was such a derogatory comment," said Spock. "Especially since I am now a member of an endangered species."

"I was just teasing," said Kirk. "Plus it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. I've been wanting to use that one for weeks."

 _They were quiet for once as Kirk asked Sulu to 'punch it'. The_ Enterprise _warped out of space dock, on a mission to find John Harrison and take him out. It sounded simple enough._

Little did they know that if they took Harrison hostage that the _USS Vengeance_ and Admiral Marcus would be waiting for them…

.~.

End Chapter 2

A/N: _Kapla_ means 'success' in Klingon. That's the only Klingon word I know LOL.


	3. His Name Is Khan

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.

A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. **Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers. I am putting the actual movie in italics and the comments in regular type so you guys can understand the story better.**

.~.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness_

Chapter Three: His Name is Khan

_.~._

"Hold up. Pause the movie!" Chekov cried.

Spock, how had somehow ended up with the remote, did.

"Look, eweryone! Keptin Kirk had me put on a red shirt," Chekov pointed out. "I could hawe been _killed_! Do you know how bad the statistics are for redshirts on the _Enterprise_?

"Terrible?" Cupcake guessed.

"Yes!" Chekov cried. "We lose more redshirts than any other ship in the quadrant."

"Look - I needed you to head the engineering department," Kirk defended his decision. "I just followed the chain of command."

"You mean you put the kid in charge," said Bones, shaking his head. "Real smart, Jim."

"But Pavel did an amazing job with the new responsibility," Sulu argued. "Kirk made the right decision."

"I am vunderkind," Pavel reminded them. "Okay, Meester Spock, you may restart the movie."

Spock did.

_Everyone watched as Spock discovered that Carol Wallace was indeed Carol Marcus._

"Why didn't you tell me Carol's real name right away?" Kirk cried, glaring at Spock. "That is like really important information and stuff."

"I did not deem it necessary at the moment," Spock said huffily.

"Screw you," Jim said under his breath.

"I heard that," said Spock. "That was inappropriate."

"I haven't even _begun_ to reach inappropriate," said Kirk, but after a glare from Uhura, he held his tongue.

_The movie played on. Kirk detailed their plan on how to kill Harrison. He left Sulu in charge as acting captain, and took a shuttle to Kronos to personally take out their enemy since there was a problem with the ship's warp core. Spock, Uhura, and Hendorff (apparently Cupcake had a real name) were part of the shuttle crew. Kirk was surprised that Uhura and Spock were sniping at each other while on duty in they were usually so professional, but on the other hand, he was entertained._

"Hey, did anyone notice how the shuttle in this scene looks a lot like the _Millennium Falcon_ from Star Wars?" Bones asked.

Most everyone raised their hand.

"It's just like that scene in _Return of the Jedi_ when the _Falcon_ is attacking the death star and has to fly through that tight space," Scotty added.

"You're such a nerd, Scotty," said McCoy.

"Me?" The Scot looked insulted. "You're the one that brought it up!"

"You're both nerds," Kirk declared before the situation got out of hand. "Look, it's the part where we get attacked by the Klingons!"

Suddenly, the Klingons on the couch started punching each other and pointing at the screen.

"This is our favorite part in the movie!" One of them announced.

"Hold the phone. You can speak Standard?" Uhura was impressed.

"Of _course_ we do!" Another Klingon added. "Duh. We like to keep that a secret, though. So don't tell anyone."

"Well darn," said Uhura as she watched herself speaking in perfect Klingon on screen, trying to appeal to the Klingons' sense of honor. "That was a waste of time."

"Especially since you sounded more like you were speaking Na'vi," Bones piped up. "I'm a big Avatar fan," he explained as he got a few strange looks.

_When Uhura got threatened by one of the Klingons, Spock, Kirk, and their security force came out of the shuttle shooting. Kirk immediately noticed that there was another person on their side. Their mysterious rescuer carried a very powerful weapon, one that could kill Klingons with one shot. It wasn't long before all the Klingons were down._

"It's meeeee!" Khan sang as he pointed towards himself on screen. "Now that I've appeared, the movie is starting to get good."

The Klingons, who were watching with rapt attention, got up and left as soon as the scene changed from Kronos to the _Enterprise_. No one knew where they went.

"Damn, Spock, did you _have_ to tell the guy that we had seventy-two torpedoes on board?" Kirk whined.

"Vulcans cannot lie," Spock said primly.

"That is true," said Spock Prime. "However, they can exaggerate."

"I got him to surrender, did I not?" Spock reminded him.

_Everyone watched as McCoy took a blood sample from Khan, who was currently residing in the Enterprise's brig. McCoy promised to tell Kirk what was medically up with their new prisoner as soon as he figured it out. Khan engaged Kirk in conversation, casually mentioning that he knew that the Enterprise's warp core was malfunctioning. Spock warned Kirk not to engage the prisoner in conversation, but Kirk sent Spock away and did it anyway. Khan gave Kirk the coordinates to Jupiter and told him to look into it. Then he begged Kirk to open one of the torpedoes and find out what was really inside of them. Logically, Kirk decided to call Scotty to look in to the coordinates, since he was back on Earth._

" _Well if it isn't Captain James Tiberius Perfect Hair," said Scotty as he answered his communicator._

"Perfect Hair?" Kirk glared at Scotty, who looked sheepish. "Do you know how long it takes me to get my hair like this? DO YOU?"

"I'm sorry, Jim," Scotty apologized. "I was super wasted at the time. And I was angry and insecure at being fired."

"Oh. I get that," said Kirk, patting Scotty on the back. "No worries, man."

_Meanwhile, Scotty promised Kirk that he would look in to the happenings on Jupiter. Kirk thanked him and hung up. Then he ordered the ship to stop at the nearest class M planet, so that they could safely examine the torpedoes. Kirk beamed Carol Marcus and Dr. McCoy to the surface, along with one of the torpedoes. McCoy tried to flirt with Carol but failed miserably. Carol tried to open the torpedo by cutting one of the wires, but all that did was get McCoy's arm stuck in the torpedo._

"Son of a bitch, that hurt!" McCoy cried.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," said Carol. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"I know you didn't, darlin," said McCoy, his southern drawl evident.

"Give me a break," Kirk muttered under his breath as Carol and McCoy gazed at each other with goo goo eyes.

_They all watched Carol work her magic on the torpedo as the time ticked away. She got the weapon to release McCoy just three seconds before the weapon was supposed to blow up. That was when they saw a frozen person inside the torpedo. The modified cryotube was what was keeping them alive._

_Kirk immediately went to the brig to ask the prisoner how he knew that there was a person in the torpedo, and apparently in all of the torpedoes. Khan launched into his monologue about who he really was and how Admiral Marcus had found his ship and woken him up in hopes that he could help Starfleet in their impending war with the Klingons. Unfortunately, Marcus manipulated Khan by threatening to destroy his frozen crew._

" _He used my friends against me," said Khan._

_While personally sympathizing with the terrorist, Kirk promised that he would take Khan back to Earth to stand trial for his criminal acts._

"Dad, how could you do this to Khan?" Carol asked, just as the USS _Vengeance_ dropped out of warp and rendezvoused with the _Enterprise_. "That was really cruel. You made a mistake by waking the guy up. So what? Everyone makes mistakes! Why did you come after Kirk when he had Khan in custody?"

"I had to kill Khan," said Admiral Marcus. "If I didn't kill him, he would destroy us all."

"Your logic is atrocious," said Spock. "It is that kind of black and white thinking which brings war upon us."

"Yeah," Kirk agreed. "And another thing - you ask me to play by the rules when you reappointed me as captain of the _Enterprise_. You think you can disregard the rules just because you're part of Section 31. You're setting a really bad example, Admiral. You're the real villain! I don't like you at all."

They all watched as the Vengeance's weapons wreaked havoc on the structurally weaker _Enterprise_.

"My ship!" Kirk moaned as the damage increased. "My beautiful ship!"

"Me bairns!" Scotty cried. "Me beautiful engines."

Carol had Kirk hail the _Vengeance_ and inform her father that she was on board the ship he was trying to destroy. Admiral Marcus stopped firing the second he realized his daughter on board. Unfortunately, the _Vengeance_ had the power to beam Carol over to their ship, so Kirk's bargaining chip was lost.

"Muahaha Kirk. I win," said Admiral Marcus.

"No you don't!" Uhura spoke up. "We all know how this ends and you are killed."

"Aw crap, you spoiled the movie," said Khan shaking his head, even though he was the one who killed Admiral Marcus in the first place.

End Chapter 3


	4. So Much Action

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek. Mulan belongs to Disney.

A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. **Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers. I am putting the actual movie in italics and the comments in regular type so you guys can understand the story better.**

.~.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness_

_.~._

Chapter Four: So Much Action

"Here comes my moment of glory!" Scotty shouted as those on board the USS _Vengeance_ discovered that their systems had been reset.

 _Everyone watched as Mr. Scott's clandestine entrance and subsequent tampering with the engineering systems prevented Admiral Marcus from firing on the_ Enterprise _._

"A single grain of rice may be the difference between victory and defeat," Spock Prime said, sounding extremely wise and important.

"What a cool observation!" Kirk exclaimed.

"He stole that quote from _Mulan_ ," Spock accused.

"Aw, leave him alone, Spock," said Kirk. "Who cares?"

"I do," said Spock, affronted. "He is a plagiarist and that is not acceptable in Vulcan society."

"No he's not," Kirk insisted. "We all know where the quote is from. It's only plagiarism if he pretends to have come up with the quote."

They were so busy arguing that when Scotty spoke up, they both jumped in surprise.

"You're comparing me to a grain of RICE?" Scotty sounded horrified. "Of all the foods in the universe, you chose that?"

"It's a metaphor," Khan said helpfully.

"Well, I'd really rather be compared to something a little more macho," said Scotty. "Like a Dagwood sandwich."

"I will remember that next time," said Spock Prime.

Scotty felt better.

 _Back in the movie, Kirk asked Khan if he would help him break in to the_ Vengeance _and relieve Admiral Marcus of his command. Khan agreed. They put on their suits to prepare for the space jump. After they jumped, both Kirk and Khan got bumped off course by the debris that was in their path. Luckily, Khan was able to correct his path and help Kirk get back on course. They hit their target and entered the_ Vengeance _at top speed. They skidded to a stop right in front of Scotty. Kirk made a quick introduction between Scotty and Khan before they headed for the bridge._

"That was incredibly bad ass," said Sulu, remarking about the miraculous way that Scotty had manually opened the hatch just in time for Kirk and Khan.

"Thank you," said Scotty, standing up to take a bow.

"Since we're saying thank-yous, I want to take this moment to thank Khan for helping me get back on course," said Kirk.

"No problem," said Khan. "I couldn't let you die. You're much too pretty."

"Uh, thanks?" Kirk scooched away from Khan and sat back down next to Spock. Khan was making him feel uncomfortable. Even if what he said was true.

 _Meanwhile, on the bridge of the_ Enterprise _, Spock called Ambassador Spock on New Vulcan. He asked the old Vulcan if he'd ever ran across a guy named Khan. The ambassador insisted that he could not give his younger counterpart any information that could affect the outcome of his future. That being said, he then blurted out that Khan was the most cunning adversary that he and his Kirk had ever faced._

" _He will not hesitate to kill everyone on board," Spock Prime informed the bridge crew._

" _Did you ever defeat him?" Spock asked._

" _Yes, but at terrible cost," said the ambassador._

_Spock cut the connection, deep in thought._

"Wait a second, you asked Prime what he did with his version of Khan?" Kirk asked. "That's cheating, Spock."

"It was only logical. It was also trick I learned from a friend," said Spock.

"Now who's quoting someone else?" Kirk asked, but let it slide this time. Spock had just admitted to being his _friend_ out loud! Victory was his! Of course it was just the human definition of friend, but Kirk would take it. There was plenty of time to work up to the Vulcan definition. Kirk loved a challenge and Spock was definitely that.

"I'm glad we called Ambassador Spock," said Uhura. "He is so _sweet_! Just think, Spock, you'll be just like him when you're older!"

"Do not hold your breath," Spock muttered.

_The scene changed back to the bridge of the Vengeance. Carol expressed her disappointment in her father's actions as well as her shame in being his daughter. She then slapped him in front of his crew._

"That was awesome!" Uhura enthused. "Good for you for standing up to him, Carol."

"Thanks!" Carol blushed.

Everyone murmured their agreement – not a lot of men truly deserved to be slapped in front of their subordianates, but the admiral did.

_Just then, Kirk, Scotty, and Khan arrived on the bridge of Marcus's ship. They then proceeded to stun everyone save for Carol and her father. After that, Scotty stunned Khan on Kirk's secret order. Unfortunately, the stun didn't really knock Khan out, but the superhuman pretended it did._

" _You are under arrest!" Kirk announced to Admiral Marcus. He then asked the older man to come quietly because he didn't want to embarrass him any further in front of his daughter. Khan took advantage of the confusion by launching himself at Kirk and Scotty. Khan then proceeded to break Carol's leg and Admiral Marcus's skull with his super strength, effectively killing the man._

"Oh my God, Khan, that was sick!" Carol cried. "I know my dad did some terrible things to you, but did he really deserve to die like that?"

"Yes," Khan said primly.

"Creeper!" Carol accused.

"And proud of it!" Khan grinned evilly at her.

Everyone slowly edged away from Khan on the couch, except for Spock Prime, who had fallen asleep. They hoped that Khan would keep his hands to himself for the rest of the movie because they didn't want to die a victim of his wrath.

" _Shall we begin?" Khan taunted Spock onscreen._

 _Spock refused to give him the torpedoes that he wanted so badly. Khan then suggested that he would cut the oxygen on the ship because his own crew could survive just fine in the cryotubes. Spock then decided to give Khan what he wanted and had the tubes beamed on to the_ Vengeance _. Then Khan beamed Kirk, Scotty, and Carol into the brig of the_ Enterprise _. But Spock had outsmarted Khan – he had armed the torpedoes and just then had them detonated on the enemy ship. When the torpedoes exploded, they crippled the ship beyond all repair._

"You tricked me!" Khan shrieked, waving his fist in the air. "No fair, Spock! I thought my crew were dead!"

"Oh come on. Even _Spock_ is not that unfeeling," said McCoy. "We have your people safe in Sick Bay. They're fine."

"Thank goodness!" Khan cried. "I was so worried!"

"Why do you care so much?" Kirk asked. "It's not like you have ever met them in this life."

"I couldn't take over the universe without them," Khan blubbered.

"Ohhhh," said Kirk. That made sense.

 _Just then, the_ Enterprise's _systems chose that moment to fail. The ship began its steep decent to Earth. It was total chaos. Kirk and Scotty made a mad dash through the ship trying to get to the warp core, which was offline._

"Look eweryone - this is when I save not just Keptin Kirk but Mr. Scott as well!" Chekov exclaimed.

"We really appreciated it," said Kirk, patting the kid on the back. "Good job, Mr. Chekov."

Spock was skeptical of this feat. "How is it that you were strong enough to pull up two humans?" The Vulcan asked.

Chekov thought about it. "I'm not sure, sir."

"There you go again, trying to apply logic to everything," Kirk sighed. "Couldn't you just chalk it up to adrenaline pumping in an emergency situation?"

"I suppose," said Spock. Surprisingly, he didn't argue any further.

_When Kirk and Scotty reached the warp core, they found that it was broken. Kirk mused aloud about going inside the chamber to fix it, but Scotty pointed out that the radiation exposure would kill them for sure. Kirk pretended to relent and then knocked Scotty out with a well-placed punch. After that, he buckled Scotty up so that he could not come after him. Kirk then proceeded to enter the chamber himself, sealing the door shut behind him. After several tries, he kicked the two halves of the warp core back into alignment. The blast of energy knocked him back towards the glass door._

_On the bridge, Spock and the crew were thrilled to see that the_ Enterprise's _systems came back online. Spock called down to Scotty to hear how he did it. An upset Scotty only asked Spock to come down to the warp core at once. Spock did. Once he arrived, Scotty pointed at Captain Kirk, who was sealed inside the warp core chamber. Spock immediately went to Kirk, but could not reach him through the glass._

"This is the sad part," Kirk warned. "You guys might want to get some tissues. It's a very emotional scene."

"Indeed," said Spock. He looked over at Kirk and gazed deep into his eyes. "It was not an enjoyable experience for me, watching you die in front of me and not being able to do anything to prevent it."

"I know," Kirk said solemnly.

"I can't believe you did this to them!" McCoy glared at Khan. "You are such an insensitive asshole."

"I know," Khan sniffed. "But I didn't sabotage the warp core. You can't blame this _completely_ on me."

"Hey, let's not play the blame game," said Carol. "We should just be thankful that this scene was in the movie. It really is a touching scene, especially since Spock completely breaks down. He must really care for Kirk!"

"Duh," said Spock Prime, who had since woken back up.

They all got comfortable as they prepared to watch one of the most intimate moments of the movie.

End Chapter 4

.~.

A/N: The next chapter will be the final one. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed – I really appreciate the encouragement!


	5. Happy Endings

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: I based this format of a humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek.

A/N2: I wrote something similar for Star Trek 2009 and now I am doing it for Star Trek Into Darkness. **Obviously, there are LOTS of spoilers. I am putting the actual movie in italics and the comments in regular type so you guys can understand the story better.**

A/N3: I had so much FUN writing this! Also, if you guys have any questions about how the events unfolded in the movie, you can search Star Trek Into Darkness Memory Alpha and you will find a wiki that will answer most of your STID questions. That was my source. Enjoy the last chapter!

.~.

_The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek Into Darkness_

.~.

Chapter Five: Happy Ending

_The situation was dire. In Engineering, Kirk had realigned the warp core, but at great cost. The amount of radiation in Kirk's system was going to cause him to die in a few minutes. Kirk and Spock were saying final their goodbyes, separated by a glass door._

" _The ship?" Kirk asked._

" _Out of danger," Spock replied. "I did what you would have done."_

" _And this is what you would have done," said Kirk._

_They just gazed at each other for a few seconds. Their eyes held and Spock's hold on his emotions broke._

" _I'm scared, Spock," said Kirk, shaking just a bit. "Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?"_

" _I do not know," Spock choked out. "I am failing."_

" _I want you to know why I went back for you when we were on Nibiru," said Kirk._

" _I already know. It is because you are my friend," Spock replied._

_Kirk nodded, too moved to say anything in reply._

"I'll never let go, Jim!" Khan joked, a la Titanic.

Spock Prime was seized by a huge coughing fit. "Space husbands," he coughed under his breath. The only person who heard him was Uhura, but she chalked his statement up to senility.

_Kirk's strength was fading fast. He could barely find the strength to keep his hand on the door. It was killing him that he couldn't touch Spock one last time. As he lost consciousness, he thought the palm to palm gesture meant something special in Vulcan culture but he just couldn't remember what. At Jim's last breath, Spock's sadness then turned to madness._

" _Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!" He yelled. The man had destroyed his secret hope for a lifelong friendship with Jim Kirk and for that, he must die._

"This is so _upsetting_!" Carol fretted as they watched the scene unfold. "They couldn't even touch hands. And all because Kirk had to be a hero."

"I couldn't just let my crew die," Kirk sputtered. "I'm trying to be a responsible captain these days." Then his expression softened when he looked at Spock. "I couldn't let _you_ die."

"So, logically, you sacrificed yourself," said Spock. His face was unreadable.

"Yes," said Kirk. "I swore I'd never do it, but I took a leaf out of my dad's book. But only after I figured out that there was no other way."

"Did you ever stop and think what it would do to me if you were killed?" Spock asked, rounding on Kirk. He didn't give his captain time to answer. "No. You did not."

"And what would it do to you, Spock?" Uhura asked.

"It would tear me apart," Spock admitted softly. "A friendship bond was already beginning to form between us in my head. If I lost Jim, it could push me over the edge."

"It pretty much did," Sulu muttered under his breath.

They all watched as Spock went after Khan in a murderous rage.

"Pre-reform Vulcan much?" Spock Prime commented as they watched Khan and Spock fight. _They were a good physical match. Spock had three times a human's strength but that didn't seem to phase Khan. Their fight turned brutal, with Spock desperately trying to nerve pinch the superhuman in to oblivion but Khan evaded his grip._

_Meanwhile, in sickbay, McCoy's tribble had just come back to life. Khan's blood had revived it! McCoy realized what that could mean. Uhura then volunteered to go after Spock herself so that they could take Khan alive. Uhura quickly beamed down to Spock's location on the platform. She took aim with her phaser and stunned Khan's head at one second intervals. The bolts didn't knock him out, but they did momentarily distract him._

" _Spock, stop it!" Uhura shouted, as the Vulcan kept pummeling Khan. "We need him alive to save Kirk!"_

_At the mention of his captain and friend, Spock halted all movement. He wasn't sure how keeping Khan alive could save Kirk, as Kirk was already clinically dead. Perhaps the regenerative properties in Khan's blood could bring him back to life? It sounded too good to be true. But just on the off chance that it would work, Spock heeded Uhura's words. The Vulcan then knocked Khan out with a well-placed punch._

"Nice punch!" Kirk observed.

"Thank you," Spock said smoothly. "I rather enjoyed it."

"But Spock," Kirk protested, "you almost _killed_ him! If Uhura hadn't shown up when she did…"

"My logic deserted me the moment that I believed you died," said Spock. "I was just so ANGRY!"

"That's no excuse to turn into a green-blooded rage monster," Kirk insisted. "I never wanted you to kill anyone. That is not acceptable behavior."

"I agree," said Pike. "You are better than that, Spock."

"Promise me you will never do that again in the future," said Kirk.

Spock didn't say anything.

"Promise!" Kirk prodded.

"Very well," Spock relented. "I promise I will not kill anyone unless they deserve it."

" _Spock_!" Kirk complained.

"Fine. I promise not to kill anyone unless it is in self-defense."

"That's my Vulcan," said Kirk, patting him on the back. Spock allowed the touch.

Everyone except for Khan clapped for Spock. They were so happy he had made the right decision! Of course if Kirk's life was ever seriously threatened again, Spock would more than likely revert to his angry Vulcan self, but that was normal behavior for a Vulcan protecting their… friend.

"Alright, guys – movie's almost over!" Uhura informed them.

_Two weeks later, Kirk came to in a hospital. McCoy, of course, was right there as his attending physician. He asked Kirk if he had any thoughts of megalomania. Kirk replied, "No more than usual." Spock was also present in the hospital room. Kirk asked how he survived and McCoy credited Spock and Khan's blood. Kirk was pleased when Spock called him 'Jim'. The scene played like the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship for Kirk and Spock._

"Leonard, I'm surprised you didn't take more credit for saving Kirk's life," said Carol.

"Oh, you know – I'm trying to work on my humility," said McCoy.

"Wow. That's really attractive!" said Carol. "Would you like to go out sometime?"

"Yes," McCoy said. "Then I can really show you what these surgeon's hands are good for."

Everyone groaned. "Bones, you really should hear yourself," Kirk complained. "And I thought _I_ was corny."

But Carol just laughed it off. It seemed she was really interested in the good doctor, lame flirting style and all.

"Hey guys, look – I'm still alive and kicking!" Khan reminded them. "I was left in a cryotube just in case the writers decide to bring me back as a villain in a later movie."

"That was convenient," Spock agreed. "We should have just killed you to make sure you don't have a chance."

"Spock, be nice," Kirk insisted.

"I suppose it does not matter," said Spock. "Khan has now become a popsicle. He will not be attacking any more Starfleet personnel or civilians."

"Just out of curiosity, what kind of popsicle flavor am I?" Khan wanted to know.

"Outdated superhuman," said Spock.

Khan left him alone after that.

_The scene changed to that of a Starfleet memorial service set a year after the terrorist attack on the Kelvin memorial archive. Kirk was one of the main speakers. He talked about how our first instinct was to get revenge on those who killed our family and friends, but that it wasn't the best way to behave. He impressed upon the audience that we should bring those terrorists to justice, remember the sacrifice of the people who died, and make peace with your enemies and shit. A lot of people clapped at the end of his speech, so it must have been pretty good._

"I'm proud of you, son," said Pike. "That was one hell of a speech."

"Do you have to go back to heaven now?" Kirk asked his mentor.

"Yeah. I gotta go report back to your dad." Pike smiled at his former student. "See ya." Then he disappeared.

"Bummer," said Khan. "Oh well. That was nice while it lasted."

_The scene then changed one last time. The Enterprise crew readied their newly reconstructed ship for the five year mission. Everyone was at their usual posts. It was as if nothing had changed from their little encounter with Khan, although everyone was changed on the inside. They had all grown up a little, and had grown closer into a tightly knit family._

" _Space. The final frontier," Kirk began the voiceover. "These are the voyages of the starship_ Enterprise _. Her five year mission – to seek out new life forms and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before."_

"You said that very well, Jim," commented Spock Prime. "My Kirk would be proud."

"A high compliment indeed," said Spock, nodding at the ambassador.

"I wonder what will happen on the five year mission?" Kirk mused.

"Five _years_?" McCoy blanched at the thought. "I thought it was only five months. This is TERRIBLE! I didn't sign up for this shit!"

"I hope I get to use my language skills to save the ship," said Uhura. "I really liked the taste of that."

"I want to play captain again," Sulu enthused. "That was super fun! It would be cool if I could captain my own ship someday."

"I never vant to play chief engineer again," Chekov shuddered. "Red is NOT my color."

"Don't worry, Pavel. I'm not planning on leaving my bairns by themselves again," Scotty promised. "Also, you guys should know that our warp core is purring like a kitten. The _Enterprise_ is ready for a long journey."

Carol moved over next to McCoy, who put his arm around her. Kirk thought about saying something about behaving more professionally while on duty, but he let them be. It was better to see that then hear McCoy bitch about his ex-wife.

"I'm all set to take her out," said Kirk. "Spock, any suggestions?"

"None at the moment, Captain," said the Vulcan. "I trust your good judgment."

"Really? I mean, great." Kirk made a quick recovery. "Mister Sulu, why don't you pick a destination?"

"Okay," said Sulu. "We're gonna go to Vegas IV and party it up for a week. Then we can get back to our mission of exploration. Let's face it – we need a vacation."

"How illogical," said Spock. "Yet human."

"Let's do it!" Kirk enthused. "Punch it."

Sulu did, and the _Enterprise_ warped across the sky, leaving a crystalline blue space trail in their wake.

.~.

The End

.~.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed this story. I had a lot fun with it. Keep a look out for my update on my Return of Khan fic – I haven't abandoned it.


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